This week, I jumped into something I hadn’t done in well over a decade. For the first time since my 2008 post-graduate debacle in England, I am “back in the classroom,” so to speak.
Not as a teacher, but as a student.
It’s an online course with Grand Canyon University. I am hoping to fulfill the final requirement for professional certification.
It’s been only three days, and I am surprised at the range of emotions I have been experiencing.
On one hand, it felt great to be a student again. I have always loved the learning environment. As a student, I have been out of the loop far too long.
On the other hand, I felt overwhelmed and intimidated. I honestly couldn’t believe how apprehensive I was.
Feelings I haven’t felt in years flooded over me: loss, rejection, humiliation. Feelings of 15 years ago burst forth.
I remember so vividly walking down the path at the university in Britain after my post-graduate thesis was rejected. I was numb. It was all I could do to simply put one foot in front of the other as I thought about the call I would soon make home, telling my wife that all that money, time, and energy is gone. It’s over.
I was certain that I would never be a student again.
Yet here I am, stumbling through the readings, work, and online discussions, trying to push away all my feelings of inadequacy.
“I am not qualified,” I’ve heard myself say. “This is outside of my wheelhouse. I am too old. My career takes a lot out of me, can I survive this? Do I have the energy? Will I flame out? Will I embarrass myself again?
Feelings I experienced so long ago.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to risk feeling them again.
However, even though my doubts, quitting is not an option. I almost get the feeling that God wants me to go forward.
I am reminded of words the Apostle Paul wrote long ago. These are words that helped me stumble and crawl through the darkest years following 2008:
“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” (1 Corinthians 4:7-10)
It took me almost two decades to jump back on the horse and return to school even if briefly.
I lived in the safety away from being a student for so long. Now I am back, confronting my greatest humiliation. However, it is not to gain glory for myself, but to give total and complete glory to him.
When commenting on Paul’s words to the Corinthians, Chuck Swindoll said, “In order for God to release his sweet perfume over the world, he must first break the jar that holds it.”
There but for grace of God go I.
Dan, I went back to school at age 51, got a degree in Social and Behavior Science and graduated with honors. Goodness: If I of all people can do it, you certainly can! Yes, you will feel like an old person, struggle to think like a student again (no matter how much you love learning) and will like feel you’re a fish out of water… because you are! As the newness wears off, you’ll get into the student groove and time will fly. It’s not a PH.d, so try to put that bad experience out or your mind; you’ll sail through this. Before you know it you’ll be done. I applaud you striving to achieve new goals. What a good example you are to students! God bless your new endeavor.