It’s midnight.
I am out in the woods during our annual high school retreat.
Its quiet and tranquility is overwhelming and refreshing.
It was a day filled with worship, games, and laughter (I have always been a fan of high school retreats).
And now, in the heavy darkness under a Montana sky, amidst the heavy slumber of a cabin full of high school boys, I am awake.
It’s been nearly a week since the brutal assassination of Charlie Kirk.
The gruesome video continues to play over and over in my mind. I am still unable to wrap my head around it.
Since that horrible event, I have responded with anger.
Deep anger.
I felt it was the only emotion I heart was able to process at that moment. My anger lashed out at the political left for their excuses, deflections, and worthless justifications.
Now, away from the normal routines of life, tucked away in the Montana forest, after a day of the laughter and worship of these precious students, midnight settles in.
And now, having finally been able to catch my breath, I find myself unexpectedly washed over in a wave of sadness.
It’s the first time I felt sadness since last Wednesday’s gruesome tragedy.
I was honestly surprised that I wasn’t feeling that emotion earlier. After all, isn’t that what “normal” Christians should feel at the start?
Everyone processes their shock differently, I guess.
I am saddened by Kirk’s murder, a sight that no soul is designed to see. I am saddened that a woman half my age now has to navigate a world vomiting hatred toward her as she has to carry two very young children with her.
Most of the anger I have felt this last week surprisingly was not turned toward the shooter. I felt sorry for him. I grieved the deception under which this young man fell as well as the indoctrination that twisted his fragile mind. I cannot imagine what the shooter’s family is currently going through or even his “partner” who has already traversed down the river of Satan’s deception.
Their worlds are shattered in ways that could never be repaired save the redemption of Christ.
Further, I feel sad that there is actually a worldview that truly thinks it’s okay to murder someone because they have a different point of view. One with both a lost moral compass and lost heart can only be so callous.
Mostly, I am disheartened how Satan has infiltrated the church to such a degree that some pastors preached or at the very least implied justification for Kirk’s murder as well as far too many supposed followers of Jesus who are condemning or discouraging others for praying for the Kirk family.
Encouraging fellow believers not to pray for someone is a very shallow understanding of prayer and a move of Satan himself.
I think one of the things that made me so angry this past week was that no one on the left, Christian or not, say “I’m sorry.” No “both sides do it.” No gun control debates. No justifying it. No idiotic twisting of the narrative.
Just human beings being human.
Apparently, that is too much to ask.
I grieve those remaining silent just because—in their clouded eyes—the right guy got killed. As Texas Senator Ted Cruz recently said, “They don’t kill you because you’re a Nazi, they call you a Nazi* so they can kill you.” (* you can include “fascist” and “evil” as well)
I am so heartbroken that the body of Christ is now torn apart by such division that folks within the flock have justified division, hatred, and spite. These individuals have allowed themselves to be so influenced by Satan. How could people who claim the name of Christ really think they are doing God’s word with back-biting, vision-killing, and whipping up division the body.
They are not doing God’s work.
Far from it.
They have allowed themselves to be tools of the greatest adversary of the kingdom of God.
God help the body of Christ.
Sadness overwhelmed me all night and morning.
However, in the midst of this sadness, I see great beams of the breaking through the darkness. Hundreds of thousands—or even millions—of Brits marched in London over the weekend in what at first was meant to be an anti-immigration march that morphed into a Charlie Kirk vigil. Prayer vigils with numbers in the thousands are breaking out in France, Germany, Australia, Canada. Recently, I saw the Māori people honor Kirk’s martyrdom with a Haka dance in New Zealand.
Sunday saw a wave of new worshippers attend church—some for the first time. I have heard of some reports of Bibles flying off the shelves. A friend reported her church in Salt Lake City had over 1800 in attendance and ran out of Bibles to give away, ordering another three hundred.
Something might be happening. Only time will tell if the Holy Spirit will continue to pour fuel on the fire.
I pray that fire continues to burn.
Currently, I am sitting watching the smiles on students’ faces and hearing the laughter as they play a game called “Switch.” In a way, it serves as a reminder of God is saying, “I got this.”
That certainly helps to deal with the sadness covering me the last eighteen hours.
All things considered; after having been able to take a deep breath in the stillness of the Montana countryside, I am finding sadness is better than anger. Anger is reactionary; sadness empathizes. Maybe there is a place for both, provided the anger remains a righteous one. Righteous anger demands action; sadness reminds us of our human brokenness. The sadness weighing me down in the last hours has forced me to think of everyone as humans again—lost, deceived, broken souls desperately seeking moral clarity.
In a way, this last week has been a whole lot of both.
God help us in the weeks to come.
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